Becoming mom

• Published February 14th, 2012 by
• 1 Comment

I think there's a stereotype out there that once a baby is put in their mother's arms she falls head over heals in love with her child.  I don't like to admit this, because people might think I'm missing a mom gene, but I didn't fall for my first born the moment I met him.  

When they put Gabriel in my arms for the first time, I looked down at a stranger.   I wasn't overcome with love so much as fear.  Fear of my inadequacy, fear that I was sure to screw him up.  And it wasn't just that I had this new little guy who was so strange but also my new title.

Mom.  I didn't feel like a mom, being a mom had to feel different than the terror I was going through. It's actually quite amazing if you think about it, you go through a screening when you buy a puppy but you can walk out of a hospital with a baby and no one blinks an eye (I wouldn't recommend this if the baby is not yours though).  I kept wanting to ask people, 'Wait, what do you mean I have a child.'  but fear of the looney bin kept my mouth shut.  I mean seriously, if by the age of 30 you don't know what comes after 9 months of pregnancy you should be questioned.  I couldn't wrap my head around there being no period of transition, no week of training with a professional.  Just a "Congratulations! Here's your release papers."  

I dealt with this fear and confusion in the hospital and for a while at home with my body trying to heal and my house bursting at the seams with family and friends (who were very welcome don't get me wrong).  I struggled until one moment...

I was rocking him, it was just him and I, he did his best to move his head, looked up at me and our eyes locked.  Even though he could hardly move and didn't make a sound, I knew he knew me and at the same time, I knew I knew him.  If I forget all my memories I pray I don't forget that one.  In an instant I was utterly, humbly in love.  For the first time I handed someone my heart knowing that when they crushed it I would simply pick it up and hand it back to him.   I was mom and have never before felt so comfortable in a role I was given.